I Miss Being Married

Today I was thinking about all the things I miss about being married. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Sex
2.   
   

I'm sure there's more. In fact I am so sure that I have decided to take all day and sit on the couch and watch college football and work on completing the list. The last game on is Oregon State vs. UNLV which won't be over until 1:30am. That gives me 14 hours to finish the list. Wish me luck!

The Right Tool for the Job

Alright first off, the "tool" I'm referencing is not me so get that thought out of your head. On Friday my daughter came and grabbed me, "Daddy, daddy come quick." My daughter is a bit of a drama queen. She has also learned that if she really wants my attention it never hurts to have that 'something expensive is being ruined as we speak!' urgency to her voice. This still gets my attention despite the fact that 99 times out of 100 the emergency is something really cute the hamster is doing that I just have to see, that or a toy commercial.

I followed my kid into the kitchen. "I think the cat caught a mouse," she said. There was a laundry basket with dirty clothes on the floor and the cat was frantically circling it. Now one thing you have to understand is that I am just not much of a man. I cry at sad movies and I am afraid of spiders, snakes...butterflies. I picked up the laundry basket and dumped it out and then I started picking the clothes up one at time. As I lifted up the third pair of pants I saw it...it was the biggest, scariest looking mouse I have ever had the misfortune to come across. The cat turned and bolted out of the room. My daughter screamed and so did I. Luckily the combination of both of our girlish screams frightened the mouse. The mouse opened it's mouth wide and actually growled at me its large fangs dripping with saliva. The mouse was ready to attack, I could actually see it's sinewy muscles tensing. I stomped on the floor and let out a banshee-like war-cry that frightened the mouse, it turned and ran into the sunroom. My daughter and I both gave chase and ended up cornering the monster behind the plasma TV.

We debated what to do. We thought about opening the sliding glass door and trying to scare the mouse in that direction. But I know from many experiences that scared animals never go in the direction you want them to. Finally the obvious solution hit me. My daughter kept the mouse cornered while I ran to the garage and grabbed the Shop-Vac. My daughter hit the on switch and I thrust the end of the hose at the beast. With a satisfying "THUNK" the Shop-Vac sucked up our tormentor. It occurred to me that people sometimes think I might be making things up. So, before I let it go I took a photo of the mouse in the Shop-Vac








See, I'm telling the truth.

Captain Obvious

I generally think of myself as at least moderately intelligent. Unfortunately every now and then a situation comes up that makes me realize that may not be the case. Tonight was one of those situations. I went out with a couple of female friends of mine to have some drinks. At one point during the night they were teasing me about being Catholic. One of the girls said, "He's Catholic so he can do whatever he wants he just has to go to confession afterwards." She was indicating that Catholics view confession as a get out of jail free card. I have heard this from a lot of my friends who have a problem with the Catholic sacrament of Confession. The all indicate the same reason for thinking Confession is not necessary and the reason is always given that they don't need to got through "a man" to confess their sins, they can go straight to God. Okay.

I can't believe I've missed what a lame argument they are making. If I understand this correctly it's easier for Catholics because all we have to do is tell our sins to a priest, be forgiven and we can do whatever we want. But my friends don't have to go through "a man" and they can go straight to God so wouldn't that be much easier than what Catholics have to do? For example, one of my female friends can meet a man in a bar, have sex, and as soon as it's over she can plug into her pipeline to God, tell him she's sorry in her mind and she is good to go. I'm not sure the Catholic way is easier, I mean we at least have to get in the freaking car and go to church. Then I have to say out loud what I have done and then I am forgiven and that is ONLY if I am truly sorry and ONLY if I really intend to not repeat the same sin again. I have a lot of thoughts in my head that I really don't care to give voice to. And I am almost certain that admitting my failings out loud to someone is not quite as easy as a quick "I'm Sorry God" in my head while enjoying a post-coitus cigarette. I don't know if any of us has a "Get out of Jail" Free card when it comes to sin, but I'm pretty sure it isn't Catholics.

Still Employed...YEA!!!

So the VP of our division was in the office today and after he and our Regional manager left I still have a job...Awesome. They had a meeting with all the managers and each of the managers asked a question. It went like this...with growth slowing and being stagnant in some sectors how does the company, blah, blah, blah....what are we doing in regards to price concerns, blah, blah, blah.....how is our expense structure effecting our pricing with our main competition....and then me....So, is it still cool getting to fly around in the corporate jet or has the thrill kind of worn off? The best part was the answer, "The corporate jet is very well utilized there are people all over the company that hitch a ride as long as they can show a business need...and yes, it's still cool." Which is how it should be. When you are an executive you should be a complete professional at the office. You should also be singing and dancing in your underwear as you get dressed every morning. Once the thrill is over and you have stopped appreciating the good fortune that came along with your position then you don't deserve your position anymore. I am not saying that people get that job out of luck. I AM saying that in a company of 5000 employees you are an ASS if you think it's obvious that you were the most qualified out of everyone else. Some of it had to do with being in the right place at the right time and when you lose the appreciation for that then you need to GO. Anyway, I have even more respect for the executives in our company than I did before so that has got to be a good thing.

Wish Me Luck

I have a meeting tomorrow morning with the Vice President of our divisions and all the managers in the office. My boss asked me if I would pick the VP up at the airport. I told him I would do whatever he asked me to but I said, "Don't you think it would be a good idea to minimize the amount of time I spend with someone that can fire you?" So...I don't have to go to the airport tomorrow.