Better Than I Ever Was

As I've mentioned in past posts I have been trying to become a better person. I assumed that simply deciding to be a better person would pretty much make that a reality. Apparently that is not the case, it appears that there is a lot of effort and work involved in this process. Yeah ummmmm...work and effort...not really my strong suit. Sad but true I really thought that wanting to be a better person would go a long way to becoming a better person. As it turns out there are a lot of obstacles in my way....(shit, now I have "I Can See Clearly Now" stuck in my head). It would appear that human nature is a real bitch. Just like your computer has pages and settings it always goes to first, the default setting, we humans are the same. For me my default settings are anger and ridicule. First I yell at it and if that doesn't work I make fun of it. I think this is going to take longer than I thought.

Woo...Freaking Hooo!!!

I am officially a professional blogger. I'm assuming that once you have made money you immediately transition from being an amateur to being a professional. Today I made money from my blog and here is the proof:

Today's Earnings: 0.01

That's right baby, read it and weep. Money is rolling in from my blog and I am now a professional blogger. Hell, I am going to call my boss and tell him to kiss my ass first thing tomorrow morning. Sorry, I don't have anymore time for writing, I have to start shopping for my yacht.

Give 'Em The Pickle

Here is the single greatest example to show what is wrong with big companies. I found  out about this in a meeting today. So look at this and learn about the pickle principle.   Go ahead and check it out and then come back.

If you don't feel like checking it out then I will give you a quick rundown. This guy owned a restaurant. He got a letter from a customer who had ordered a meal and asked for an extra pickle. The waitress said she could sell him an order of pickles (they sell "orders" of pickles?). The customer only wanted one pickle so she offered to sell him one for a nickel. The customer left and wrote a letter to the owner letting him know why he would never return to his business. And from this was born "the pickle principle" and the motto "Give 'em the pickle".

There are so many, many things wrong with this I don't want any of them to get lost in the shuffle. For this reason I'm not even going to wonder how completely devoid of meaning someone’s life would have to be to sit down and write a letter because you were denied a second slice of pickle. But if I happened to meet the person that took the time to write that letter I would tell them this, “You know what tastes a lot like pickles...cyanide. Seriously, here try some.” 

Anyways back to the jackass that created the pickle principle, which is the first problem. Technically it really wouldn't be a principle since a principle is "an accepted or professed rule of action or conduct".  So it's not so much a principle as it is...well let's see.....basic flipping common sense. If the customer requests something that costs next to nothing and providing it will make for a happy customer then do it. Wow, you see what I did there? That’s a pretty simple concept almost to the point of being inane. But the gentleman that owned the restaurant didn’t think it was a simple or even obvious idea. Nope, he realized that his brain had crapped out some out and out genius thinking. In fact so much so that he decided to make it his company’s motto and thus was born, “Give ‘Em the Pickle.” Had he been content with that then I probably wouldn’t find him so detestable if for no other reason I most likely wouldn’t have ever been exposed to his stupid motto.

But the restaurant owner was not content with just sharing his wisdom with his employees. He decided that his idea was so important he should share it with others. He became a “motivational speaker” and has traveled the country spreading his wisdom and encouraging employees of other companies to “Give “Em the Pickle”. What we call a motivational speaker today 100 years ago was called a snake oil salesman.  And just in case you are really young, a snake oil salesman was someone that traveled around selling various potions and elixirs to cure headaches and other ailments and generally what they sold was worthless. So, how are motivational speakers like snake oil salesmen? First off, they both charge an exorbitant fee for something of limited or no value. They both claim to have discovered something new that in fact was discovered ages ago.  The both make use of the placebo effect meaning any good from what they are selling is usually all in your head.

I have to apologize because this subject got me so pissed off. You wouldn't believe the number of times I've had to go back and find a suitable replacement for the F word, which of course there really isn't. The reason this makes me so angry is because I am deep down to my soul a hardcore capitalist. I don't mind a baseball player making 10 million dollars a year because there are 1000s of people that will pay to see him play and 1000s more that will pay to wear a jersey with his name on it. He makes a ton of money but it is directly related to how hard it would be to find someone to replace him. I also have no problem with a doctor making $1,000,000 a year doing surgeries. But these motivational speakers piss me off because they are an example of what doesn't work with capitalism because they are generally paid very well and what they are selling is generally worthless.

Oops a few other issues, why is it "Give 'em the pickle ", why not:

• award them the pickle
• administer the pickle
• furnish the pickle
• slip them the pickle
• bequeath them the pickle
• provide them the pickle
• fork over the pickle 

And one last thing....his waitress said to the customer, "I'll sell you a second pickle slice for a nickel."  Instead of selling his "Give "Em the Pickle" speech why didn't he go with, "How to Hire the Dumbest Dipshits Possible" speech?

Whew! After hearing the word pickle 50 freaking times today my anger has finally subsided. And just for the record it's entirely possible that I am completely wrong. Now I feel better. Pickle.

The Fall of the American Empire

Every now and then some social pundit will warn about the latest thing that signals the decline of the American empire. A lot of times it is a new TV show or something a shock jock on the radio is doing or the scandalous subject of a new book. And when it happens, millions of people all over this country wonder, "Who is watching that crap, who is listening to that garbage and who is reading that trash?" So to all of those millions of people who are wondering I just wanted to say; Hi, yea that was me.

Here is a short list of the crap I have fed my brain through television, radio and books

• Survivor
• Temptation Island
• The Jerky Boys
• The Don and Mike Show
• Howard Stern
• Opie & Anthony
• Kid Nation
• Joe Millionaire
• Rock of Love
• America's Next Top Model
• American Idol
• Fear Factor
• Wife Swap - I was really disappointed with that one
• I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here
• Deadliest Catch
• Nanny 911
  
• Hoarders
• Celebrity Boxing
• When Animals Attack
  
• Dr. Dirty 
• The Apprentice
• Dog the Bounty Hunter
  
• Bubba the Love Sponge
• The Great American Roadtrip
• Intervention
• Celebrity Fit Club
• Moment of Truth
  
• Celebrity Rehab
  
• Road Rules
  
• More to Love
• Real World
• Supernanny
  
• The Pickup Artist
• Hell's Kitchen
• Kitchen Nightmares
  
• The Biggest Loser....which obviously from this list is ME.
  

Greatest. Weekend. Ever.

I have a normal routine I go through on weekends. It usually starts about 5pm on Sunday when it dawns on me the weekend is pretty much over. I normally let out an audible moan/whine (imagine you've just told a 10 year old he can't stay up late...awwwww)  when it hits me. I then go through the remainder of my weekend in a semi-pissed-off mood. By Monday morning my mood has improved slightly. Usually when the alarm goes off at 7am on Monday my first thought is about all the money I pissed away from age 20 to 24. Had I invested that money wisely I probably would have no use for an alarm clock today. Unfortunately I didn't invest it wisely opting instead to spend it on booze and women with low self-esteem. Some people would say I wasted it, those people would be wrong. Usually by 10am on Monday I'm back into my regular job and life and good to go.

However, this weekend I was not upset or sad that it was almost over. In fact I was amazed with the amount of stuff that was packed into one weekend. I had a good night on Friday, I spent most of Saturday watching college football. I went to the races with my friend Jen on Saturday night. I took the kid and her friend to the State Fair on Sunday. So my weekend was comprised of: beer, football, making fun of rednecks while being a redneck, corn dogs, football, mowing the lawn, church, carnival rides, lots and lots and lots of rednecks, deep-fried candy bars, roasted corn, blue-ribbon rabbits, chickens, carnie...carnys...how the hell do you spell people that work at the carnival? Anyways, it was an awesome freaking weekend. My life rocks.