Who among us hasn't thought about how cool it would be to live life as a murderous dictator giving no more thought to taking another person's life than we would to where to hang our latest portrait of our self in full military regalia. Unfortunately there is a downside to the lifestyle. If you are known for killing anyone that disagrees with you then what happens is people stop telling you things they know you won't like. And the end result is this...
Were it not for his murderous ways then certainly someone in Libya would have taken Mr. Gaddafi to the side and told him that he could not possibly look like more of a douche-bag. But unfortunately for him he has killed everyone that would have been honest with him and as a result he left the house looking like this.
In Libya: Terrifying Murderous Thug
In America: 70 year old, beret wearing boy band reject
Libya - 0, America - 1
So much of the time in life it is not what you say but the way in which you say it. As I have mentioned before, on occasion I get very angry. Usually as soon as I blow off steam I immediately calm down and re-think what I may have thought or said. It usually transpires like this. It usually begins with someone on a political show that says something I think is a complete lie. The following conversation runs through my head or sometimes I blurt it out loud in front of people. First the blow up - "You piece of crap I freaking hope you die." Then immediately comes the calm down - "But hopefully it's not too painful."
Which brings me to the main point of this post. I want to change and be a better person, BUT...I'm not sure I want to change that much. For instance, most of my adult life I have kept a running list in my head of people I want to outlive....Okay fine, it's a list of people I hope die. It is a dynamic list, people move on and off the list over time. And even though I have great hopes of being a better person I really don't want to let go of the list. I realized that the trick is to rename the list so it sounds less mean, judgmental and hateful and then it should be okay. So, I present to you:
"Living People Whose Graves I Hope to Visit One Day with a 40 ounce and a Bouquet."
. Ted Kennedy - (checking airfare right now)
. Nancy Pelosi
. Keith Olbermann
. Michael Moore
. Jimmy Carter
. Harry Reid
. Paul Miller
. Bill Maher
. Kanye West (just kidding, I wouldn't walk across the street to piss on his grave)
The brevity of this list just goes to show how tired I am tonight, normally the list of people I wish would die soon goes on and on and on...
.
As I've mentioned in past posts I have been trying to become a better person. I assumed that simply deciding to be a better person would pretty much make that a reality. Apparently that is not the case, it appears that there is a lot of effort and work involved in this process. Yeah ummmmm...work and effort...not really my strong suit. Sad but true I really thought that wanting to be a better person would go a long way to becoming a better person. As it turns out there are a lot of obstacles in my way....(shit, now I have "I Can See Clearly Now" stuck in my head). It would appear that human nature is a real bitch. Just like your computer has pages and settings it always goes to first, the default setting, we humans are the same. For me my default settings are anger and ridicule. First I yell at it and if that doesn't work I make fun of it. I think this is going to take longer than I thought.
I am officially a professional blogger. I'm assuming that once you have made money you immediately transition from being an amateur to being a professional. Today I made money from my blog and here is the proof:
Today's Earnings: 0.01
That's right baby, read it and weep. Money is rolling in from my blog and I am now a professional blogger. Hell, I am going to call my boss and tell him to kiss my ass first thing tomorrow morning. Sorry, I don't have anymore time for writing, I have to start shopping for my yacht.
Here is the single greatest example to show what is wrong with big companies. I found out about this in a meeting today. So look at this and learn about the pickle principle. Go ahead and check it out and then come back.
If you don't feel like checking it out then I will give you a quick rundown. This guy owned a restaurant. He got a letter from a customer who had ordered a meal and asked for an extra pickle. The waitress said she could sell him an order of pickles (they sell "orders" of pickles?). The customer only wanted one pickle so she offered to sell him one for a nickel. The customer left and wrote a letter to the owner letting him know why he would never return to his business. And from this was born "the pickle principle" and the motto "Give 'em the pickle".
There are so many, many things wrong with this I don't want any of them to get lost in the shuffle. For this reason I'm not even going to wonder how completely devoid of meaning someone’s life would have to be to sit down and write a letter because you were denied a second slice of pickle. But if I happened to meet the person that took the time to write that letter I would tell them this, “You know what tastes a lot like pickles...cyanide. Seriously, here try some.”
Anyways back to the jackass that created the pickle principle, which is the first problem. Technically it really wouldn't be a principle since a principle is "an accepted or professed rule of action or conduct". So it's not so much a principle as it is...well let's see.....basic flipping common sense. If the customer requests something that costs next to nothing and providing it will make for a happy customer then do it. Wow, you see what I did there? That’s a pretty simple concept almost to the point of being inane. But the gentleman that owned the restaurant didn’t think it was a simple or even obvious idea. Nope, he realized that his brain had crapped out some out and out genius thinking. In fact so much so that he decided to make it his company’s motto and thus was born, “Give ‘Em the Pickle.” Had he been content with that then I probably wouldn’t find him so detestable if for no other reason I most likely wouldn’t have ever been exposed to his stupid motto.
But the restaurant owner was not content with just sharing his wisdom with his employees. He decided that his idea was so important he should share it with others. He became a “motivational speaker” and has traveled the country spreading his wisdom and encouraging employees of other companies to “Give “Em the Pickle”. What we call a motivational speaker today 100 years ago was called a snake oil salesman. And just in case you are really young, a snake oil salesman was someone that traveled around selling various potions and elixirs to cure headaches and other ailments and generally what they sold was worthless. So, how are motivational speakers like snake oil salesmen? First off, they both charge an exorbitant fee for something of limited or no value. They both claim to have discovered something new that in fact was discovered ages ago. The both make use of the placebo effect meaning any good from what they are selling is usually all in your head.
I have to apologize because this subject got me so pissed off. You wouldn't believe the number of times I've had to go back and find a suitable replacement for the F word, which of course there really isn't. The reason this makes me so angry is because I am deep down to my soul a hardcore capitalist. I don't mind a baseball player making 10 million dollars a year because there are 1000s of people that will pay to see him play and 1000s more that will pay to wear a jersey with his name on it. He makes a ton of money but it is directly related to how hard it would be to find someone to replace him. I also have no problem with a doctor making $1,000,000 a year doing surgeries. But these motivational speakers piss me off because they are an example of what doesn't work with capitalism because they are generally paid very well and what they are selling is generally worthless.
Oops a few other issues, why is it "Give 'em the pickle ", why not:
award them the pickle
administer the pickle
furnish the pickle
slip them the pickle
bequeath them the pickle
provide them the pickle
fork over the pickle
And one last thing....his waitress said to the customer, "I'll sell you a second pickle slice for a nickel." Instead of selling his "Give "Em the Pickle" speech why didn't he go with, "How to Hire the Dumbest Dipshits Possible" speech?
Whew! After hearing the word pickle 50 freaking times today my anger has finally subsided. And just for the record it's entirely possible that I am completely wrong. Now I feel better. Pickle.
